is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Randomize
