The maid of honor just puked.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
