Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
