I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Randomize
