I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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