Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
