Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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