I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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