I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
