so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
