Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
