Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
