Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Vodka?
Forever.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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