i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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