did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
