I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
