WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
