at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
