Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
