Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
