I can't watch pbs sober anymore
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
