He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I can't put those talents on a resume
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize