You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
