We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
