Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
