I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
