Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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