Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
