No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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