Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
