Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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