the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
