quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
