I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
