just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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