listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
