He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Randomize