I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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