i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You ruined the universe
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
