You work out of a Hotel?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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