but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
