69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
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