Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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