pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
