The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
