She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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