you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Why is there bacon in the couch?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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