Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
