how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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