Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
