Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
