Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
