I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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