I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
