Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
