you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
