The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
