Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
