I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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