I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
